Grown Up

How old do you feel your soul is?

I'm 59 but inside, my soul feels just the same age as when I was 19. In a lot of ways, I still have the same insecurities I had as a young adult.  I also have the same goals and dreams I had then.

The real me has not changed.

Oh, yes, I have learned much in the past 40 years.  My focus has changed. Many experiences have shaped and molded me.

But, I'm still me.

So, I wondered if there was ever a time when I felt like a grown up.

Was it when I got married? No, it felt more like I was playing house. Except now, I actually had to clean it.

Was it when I had my first child? No way! I was scared to death and never once felt in control.

Me feeling wild and free

Was it when I turned 30? 40? 50?  No, each of those milestones only made me laugh inside. How could I be that old when inside I was still unsure, shy little me? I'm still the me that finds wonder in everyday living, who has a warped sense of humor and can entertain myself imagining all kinds of possibilities. In other words, the me that still has the child-like mind.

In fact, I can only remember once when I felt the crushing weight of responsibility descend on me like I was truly an adult. That was the day my husband's doctor told me my husband would never be able to work again. That was a scary day, and a day when I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. 

It's no fun feeling adult responsibilities.

I'm thankful that I had my heavenly Father to help me shoulder the load. Yes, I've had a few scary times but mostly I've learned to lean on Him.  And I can go back to doing what I do best:  living the dream life of a 19 year old inside my head.

This post was written in response to Writer's Workshop prompt # 1. A moment you realized you were a grown up. It was hard to come up with a moment, but I finally thought of one! For many zany responses, visit Kat's blog, Mama's Losin' It.